ugly truth

So I am approaching 2 months since my dad died.

I’ve been having a lot of dreams and visions of him, especially flashbacks to his last days and moments. And most of the time I don’t mind these memories because it’s the closest thing I have to seeing my best friend again.

I see him sitting on the couch when I brought him home from the hospital trying to comfort me when I broke down in tears. He told me that even if he were to pass on that he would always be here with me. I could barely hug him because of all the pain he was in.

A lot of the time, I’ll see the look in his eyes on the morning of his last day of life, when he couldn’t speak, but I could tell he could hear me. I saw his eyes fill with tears when I told him that he was my best friend, and that the greatest gift of my lifetime so far was being able to care for him when he needed it the most.

I held his hand and I told him that he could go, and that I would be okay. And later that night, he did go. He took has last breath and all the pain and tension faded away from his face, and he was gone.

And just like that I began to feel the most intense pain and grief and sadness.

I’m not sure if I told my dad the truth that day… that I was going to be okay.

I certainly don’t feel okay.

And I think people are right when they say that “it will get better with time.” I don’t think it’s because losing someone gets any easier, I think it’s because you start to forget this throbbing pain and ache. I’m trying to navigate this process as gracefully as possible, but the truth is that I will never be the same.

I don’t really have a choice, the sun will keep rising every day, and eventually I will have to figure out how to exist in this world with a huge chunk of myself missing. I can only hope that this will at some point, turn in to a beautiful growth experience. Maybe I will have the knowledge and empathy to really comfort someone through this process in the future.

But for now, the ugly truth is this; there is a consistent unsettling feeling in my stomach, my heart and my body physically ache, and I don’t really see the light at the end of this tunnel right now.

xx